Saw your press conference dude, wow you really know how to make a man almost cry. I mean, what the fuck? The last time I was almost in tears was also your fault. Oh, you don’t remember? Let me help you out. Remember Messi casually scoring 4 goals against my beloved Arsenal and chipping Manuel Almunia for good measure? I bet you got a kick out of that. But, look, that’s in the past and we’re talking about you now. Thirteen trophies in four years?! that’s unbelievable, but I don’t really care how many trophies you won dude. Let’s talk about how you won those trophies while looking like a GQ Man of the Year.
You made it fun to watch Barcelona and I’m not talking about the tiki-taka or seeing Biscuits roll around the floor playing peek-a-boo. I’m talking about those perfectly tailored suits and custom dress shirts with your name stitched in red. Real classy. I’ve searched high and low for the designer, but I’ve given up. Ferragamo? Brioni? No? It’s gotta be Dolce & Gabbana then? You’re really not gonna tell me are you? Are they bespoke? Ahh I knew it! You’re too good to buy some off-the-rack suit for $3000.
The v-neck sweaters underneath the jackets are real boss, too. Those aren’t bespoke as well, are they? They are!? You motherfucker!, you’re like the Spanish James Bond. I bet you introduce yourself like this, Mi nombre es Guardiola. Pep Guardiola.
As your friend I do have one concern. In just four years you seem to have aged quite a bit. You’re tired and stressed. I too would be stressed out and graying if I had to look at Carles Puyol’s mug everyday. When was the last time that guy got a haircut?
Anyway, I’ve already taken up enough of your time. You need some rest and time away from football. Go do some cool shit like ride a motorcycle to the end of the earth, go skiing in the Alps or just take your dog for a walk while wearing a suit. Or if you must have a job you could come model for us. We’d love to have you on board. Whatever you decide to do just make sure that you don’t coach Manchester United or Chelsea. That would really, really break my heart.
Now that you’re leaving I’m sure everyone will be arguing about what your greatest accomplishment is. The treble? Six trophies in one season? Two Champions League trophies? No, no and no. Your greatest achievement, my friend, is making short sleeved dress shirts look badass. You turned the used-car salesman’s uniform into sartorial excellence. Well done, Pep. Well done.
P.S. Tell Messi to return my phone calls. Gracias, Pep.